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i 



Let Mc Pass 



By George M. Rosener. 

A Street Corner Caricature for Vaudeville, Written for 
Straight Man and Comedian (Eccentric or Char. Comedy). 




ADOLPH E. REIM, 

Publisher, 
MILWAUKEE. - WISCONSIN, 



©CI.D 229^^4 



NoAO. 

Let Me Pass 

By 
George M. Rosener. 

A STREET CORNER CARICATURE FOR VAUDEVILLE, 
WRITTEN FOR STRAIGHT MAN AND COMEDIAN (ECCEN- 
TRIC OR CHAR. COMEDY). 

Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1910, ty Adolph 
E. Reitn, in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washing- 
ton, D. C. 

][ 

NOTICE. 

The Acting Rights of this sketch are reserved. This applies to 
amateurs as well as professionals. Letters should be addressed to 
the sole owner Adolph E. Reim, at 306 Foster Bldg., Milwaukee, 
Wis. 

"Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic 
or musical composition, for which a copyright has been obtained, 
without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical 
composition, or his heirs or assigns, shall be liable for damages 
therefor; such damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not 
less than $100.00, for the first and $50.00, for every subsequent 
performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlaw- 
ful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such 
person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon con- 
viction be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year." 

U. S. REVISED STATUTES, TITLE 60, CHAPTER 3, SECTION 
4966. 

Adolph K Reim, 

PUBLISHER, 

Milwaukee, - Wis. 






TMP96-0C712 6 



LET ME PASS 



Scene — A ^Street. 

(At oiK'niiifi the ^Straifjht enters from Left, the Comedy from 
RiilTit). 

Straipht—UeUol 

Corned u — Hello ! 

Straight — Where are you going? 

Comedy — I'm in a hurry, please don't stop me! Let me pass! 

Strai[/ht—ySAmr» the matter? 

Comedy — My mule is dying! 

Straight — What is he dying of? 

Comedy — He is dying of lonesomeness and must have company, 
the doctor says so. 

Straight — He must have company, eh, well what are you going 
to do about it? 

Comedy — I am going to take him to your house. 

Straight — Do you mean to insinuate that I live in a stable? 

Comedy — Do you? 

Straight — Do I what? 

Comedy — Do you need a biscuit? Please step to one side and let 
me pass. 

Straight — Are you crazy? 

Comedy — Yes, are you? 

Straight — Yes. I mean no ! 

Comedy — You mean yes you don't know. 

Straight — Look here! I want to know where you are going. 

Comedy — I am going to a foreign country. 

Straight — Where is that? 

Comedy — (Name some, local town). Where are you going? 

Straight — I am going to see my girl and find out which is the best 
day to get married on. 



4 LET ME PASS. 

Conwd)/ — T can tell you that. 

Stniifiht — All right! Ncnv which is the hest day to get married 
on V 

Coined II — Your wedding day. Let me pass now! 

^Straight — Are yon trying to make a fool of me? 

Coined!/ — No. I am trying to cure yon. Stand aside and let me 
pass or I shall scream for heli> ! 

Straight — Yon don't pass here nntil I get some sense out of you! 

Comedif — How can you say that after all we have been to each 
otherV (7V//.t.v out a liandkerehief and iceeiis). 

Straight — Now what are you crying for? 

Comedg — I am crying for that poor girl sitting down there in 
the park. 

Straight — That poor girl sitting on the bench and crying as if 
her heart would break? 

Comedg — Yes. that poor girl sitting on her heart and crying as 
if the bench would break. 

Straight — What is the matter with her? 

Comedg— Ilev mother just told her that she is going to marry 
again. 

Straight — So her mother is going to marry again? Why don't 
the poor girl go home? 

Comedg — She can't! 

Straight~\\\\y not? 

Comedg — She can't go a step father! 

Straight — Say look here, I want to tell you something! Do you 
hear I want to tell you something? 

Comedg — Well chalk up and shoot! This game costs money. 

Straight — If you try to make a fool of me I will beat you until 
you are black and blue! 

Comedg — You will? 

Straight— Yen I will! 

Comedg — Have a care. My name is Smith and for that reason 
I can have you arrested ! 

Straight— \\hi\t for? 

Comedg — For blacksmithing. 

Straight — For blacksmithing? 

Corned !r—T\\x\t is what I said! A blacksndth is a forger, is he 
not? 



LET ME PASS. 5 

Straight — Yes. 

Comedy — Then if you are a blacksmith you must be a forger, 
so liave a care, your days are numbered! Oh, propinquity! 

Straight — What is that last word you used? 

Comedy — Propinquity ! 

Straight — Do you know the meaning of that word? 

Comedy — Of course, I do ! Do you? 

Straight — Certainly ! 

Comedy — Then, why do you hap-hazard me about it? 

Straight — Why do I hap-hazard you? Do you know what you 
are talking about? 

Comedy — Do I? W^ell I should be rather surprised if I was. 

Straight — I want you to tell me the meaning of the word propin- 
quity. 

Comedy — Propinquity ? 

Straight — Yes, propinquity ! 

Comedy — You are sure you don't mean Pinky, because that's the 
name of my dog? 

Straight — You used the word propinquity. Now tell me the mean- 
ing of it. 

Comedy — Propinquity means : Vera la mucha de killa espanola 
de sen ta lalalala poof. 

Straight — What do you call that? 

Comedy — I am telling you the meaning of the word propinquity. 

Straight — You are? 

Comedy — Yes. I am telling it to you in Spanish. 

Straight — Well, you tell it to me in English. 

Somedy — It is just the same in English. 

Straight— ^\eU, let's have it! 

Comedy — Propinquity is er-er-er-er, it is a new kind of bottled 
beer. 

Straight — My boy, your ignorance is paramount ! 

Comedy — Pley, cut that out! That is something I won't stand for. 

Straight — What do you mean? 

Comedy — You can't tell me I have a parrot's mouth! 

Straight — I said paramount I 

Comedy — ^Oh ! I misinformed you. 

Straight — Now let me explain this to you so you won't parade 
your ignorance before the public again! 



LET ME PASS. 

ConivtJji — Yon talk just as if you had something to sell. 

^traiiilit — I'ropinquity, my dear boy, means nearness of associa- 
tion, in other words "close to," etc. For an example, if you associ- 
ted with me long enough, you would gradually come to know al- 
most as much as I do, you would by and by begin to imitate my 
very fine manners and speech. Then you could say, propinquity 
did it. 

Corned 11 — Oh. he would be to blame, then? 

*S7>-«////*f— Exactly! 

Coined!/ — Now let me understand this, so you won't go parading 
in public again. Propinquity means that, if I hung out with you 
long enough, I would catch whatever you had. is that it? 

Straight — Now you have it ! 

Corned 1/ — Will you please turn your face the other way? 

>S7ra/Y//<i— Why? 

Comedij — Propinquity and I are taking no chances. 

Straigh f— What's that ? 

Comedy — I said; do you know how we can have a fine lark? 

StraigJht—^o. How? 

Comedg — Buy one at the bird store. You let 'me pass or I shall 
call my brother ! 

Straight — I want to ask you one more question. I am writing a 
play and want to know where I can get a good plot. Do you know? 

Comedy — Yes, in the cemetery. 

Straight — The longer we stand here, the bigger fool you seem to 
get. 

Co n he d // — P r oi t inqu i ty ! 

S^tralght— WHAT -i 

Cotnedy — Don't you dare to strike me ! Don't yon dare, you big 
lobster ! 

Straight — Did I understand you right Did you call me a lob- 
ster? 

Comedy — If the shell fits you, wear it ! 

Straight— \\e\\, I'll be 

Comedy — Don't, don't tell me that kangaroos are dying out. For 
years they have been on their last legs you know. 

Straight — What do you mean by that? 

Comedy — If you was an all right fellow you would know. 

Straight — Well, am I not all right? 



LET ME PASS. 7 

Comccli/ — No, half of you is left. With this child in my arms 
I defy you to strike me! 

Straight — You think you are smart, don't you? 

Comedy — My dear Clemintina, remember a boil in the pot is worth 
two on the neck. 

Straight — I have no more time to waste on you, I must be off to 
my yacht club. 

Comedy — Do you belong to a yacht club? 

Straight — Indeed I do! 

Comedy — Have you any yachts? 

Straight — I had two, but I have only got a bark now and 

Comedy — Keep away from me! Keep away from me! 

Straight — Why, what's the matter? 

Comedy — Propinquity is the matter! You have a bark and I am 
taking no chances with the hypophosphites. 

Straight — A bark is a ship dummy. 

Comedy — Oh, a dummy ship ! 

Straight — No. just a ship. One of them I had to get rid of, she 
was a dandy, but I went broke on her and I had to throw her over. 
Poor thing, I thought a lot of her too! Why sometimes she acted 
like a human being. I felt sorry for her, but it couldn't be helped. 
Ah. she was a grand old rag. I almost loved her! 

Comedy — Did your wife ever find it out? 

Straight — I am not married. 

Comedy — Then why didn't you marry the girl? 

Straight — You make me tired! 

Comedy — Did you ever try Coca Cola? 

Straight — Listen, I want to tell you about this skiff of mme. 
She was ninety feet over all and she had a fifteen foot beam and 
carried a hundred tons. 

Comedy — Is that the same o'^e you threw over? 

Straight — Yes. 

Comedy — (Feels the Straight's arm). 

Straight — What are you doing? 

Comedy— Nothing. Go on with the story! (Aside). A hundred 
tons and he threw her over. 

Straight — What did you say? 

Comedy — I say, can't you bring that hundred tons down a little, 
I could swallow it easier? 



8 LET ME PASS. 

Straight — Keep quiet and listen to me! 

Corned 1/ — (Aside). Propinquity! I might get that way too, I think 
I will stand over here! 

IStraight — What are you doing over there? Come here! 

Comedy — No, I can hear you just as well over here. Go on with 
the lie. 

Straight — What? 

Comedy — I mean story ! 

Straight — As I said, I entered her in the race. 

Comedy — The fat woman's race? 

Straight — No, a boat race ! And believe me it was some race ! 

Comedy — Oh, I believe you. {Aside) A hundred tons and he 
threw her over. 

Straight — I was on the shore and I signaled the bark. You 
know, of course, how to signal a bark. 

Comedy — Certainly ! 

Straight — How do you signal a bark? 

Comedy — You pull his tail. 

Straight — Exactly ! No, you fool this is a boat ! 

Comedy — I thought you said it was a bark. 

Straight — Same thing. 

Comedy — Proceed Anannias ! 

Straight — When they were about a mile from the shore, I sig- 
naled the bark to lay too. 

Comedy — How long does it take a bark to lay too? 

Straight — Oh, about ten minutes! 

Comedy — That's funny ! 

Straight — What's funny? 

Comedy — If it takes a hen all day to lay an egg, a ship can lay 
two in ten minutes. 

Straight — Oh, cut it out! 

Comedy — Lend me your knife. 

Straight — As I was saying. 

Comedy — As you said. 

Straight — The bark was making about thirty knots an iiaur. 

Comedy — Thirty knots? 

Straight — Thirty knots. 

Comedy — My, what , a tangle! 

Straight — First she went thirty knots, then 31, then 32. then 33, 



LET ME PASS. 9 

o4, 35. 30, 37, 38, she kept on rmining up and np and up and 

Corned 1/ — And then she fell back and sprained her tongue, 

>StraigJtt — Confound you I 

Comedy — Now you have said enough I You let me pass instantly! 

Htraif/Jtt-^V^' hilt are yon trying to start here? 

Corned u — Trying to stnrt? 

Stnfight — Yes, trynig to start? 

Comedy — Well I declare, you are quite a joke I Indeed you make 
me laugh — Ha! Ho! He! Once more I request you to let me 
pass. 

t<t might — ^Suppose I should refuse? 

Comedy — So you are plotting against me. I shall call an officer. 
L>o not for one moment think there are none about who are not 
asleep There is one down there. (Calls off stage) Crystal! Crys- 
tal! 

>>traight — Why do you call that policeman. Crystal? 

Comedy — Because he is always on the watch. Come one step 
nearer and I'll screech ! 

Straiglit — I think you're crazy. 

Comedy — I know you are ! 

i^traight—Whaft 

Comedy — I know you are a gentleman, except when you are in 
drink, and then, Genieve you are positively brutal! 

i<itiaight — You are brainless! 

Comedy— Thixt'^ right, strike me! Strike me! I will not say j^ou 
nay. 

>s7/'r//V///f — Will you cut this out? 

Comedy — I will, if you will answer me one question. 

Straight— \\e\l what is it? 

Comedy— V^^hnt is it that smells the most when you go into a 
drug store? 

>S'f y-fl igh t — Carbolic acid. 

Comedy — No sir! 

Straight — Then what does smell the most? 

Comedy — Your nose. Please let me pass, or I shall die of morti- 
fication ! 

Straight— You will be murdered if you hand me anything like that 
again ! 

Comedy — Listen Moon in the Face! Do you know the first thing 



10 LET ME PASS. 

the liuliaiis said when Columbus discovered America ? 

i^traiifJit — No^Y, that's a good, sensible question, but I must con- 
fess I am all at sea. 

Comedy — So was Columbus. 

AS7y(/////<^— What? 

Coiiiedij — One step nearer and I shall pierce the air with screams 
of violence. I asked you if you knew vrhat the first words were 
that the Indians uttered when Columbus discovered America? And 
you act like this, I am sure I gave you no encouragement, whatever. 

Htraiglit — Will you tell me what those first words were that the 
Indians said, when Columbus discovered America? 

Coi»ef/y/— Certainly ! 

Straight — What were they? 

Conicdij — They were these five little words. Mercy, we have 
benn discovered! Don't come near me, I have a concealed weapon 
that you know not of ! Listen, Swiss Cheese, did I ever tell you 
about the race I was once in with the good ship Hinkee Dee? 

i^fraifiht — Xo. ycu never did. 

Vomcdii — No? Then unfold your ears and listen. It was in the 
year t>,2-i:4. that the Hinkee Dee and The Lady Bug ran a race off 
Sandy Hook. Tlie old Hinkee Dee was a fine old ship, in fact, she 
was the best I ever saw, and when she was feeling fine, she could 
drink more beer than anything else in her line. AVe were fifty miles 
ahead of the Lady Bug, with only twenty-five thousand more to 
go, vrlien the old Hinkee began to fall back. I noticed that she 
was breathing hard. "Cap," she said. "Cap, I can't go on." 
"Why?" yelled the captain. "Because," she cried, "My mainmast 
has the cramps and I have a pain in my lee scuppers." The 
captain was furious and he kicked her in the port side. "Avast, 
my boom, spanker and shiver my midship." shouted the captain. 
"I'll have the same with a plate of French fried on the side." I 
yelled. I was only wishing that the six o'clock whistle would blow, 
so that we could all go home. Of course, a dollar is a lot of 
money, when you are broke, and if I knew he was that kind of a 
man, I should never have spoken to him. Yet. I never in my life 
sav.' a lady who could catch so many fish, and as for ducks, the 
place was alive with them, and more wild horses than I ever saw. 
You know my mother never lets me out after nine o'clock, and as 
for reading the papers, why, it sometimes removes your corns and 



LET ME PASS. 11 

sometimes they fly away before you can get a good shot at them. 
There was cannons in front of ns and cannons upstairs, also. 
Someone had made an awful mistake. "Water!" cried Hinkee 
Dee. "Why, you are in it!" yelled the captain. "How foolish of 
me/' she echoed. We had only one more block to go. If we win 
this fight, 1*11 die," I said, and the conductor punched my ticket. 
Then the crovrd in the grand stand began to yell. Hinkee Dee 
rapped out a triple. She got to first, she sailed to second and she 
flew to third. "I can't go on," she cried. "Try it," yelled the 
gang. "Slide," I shouted. "Slide!" She slid. Great Heavens, 
she slid on her keel and won the race! 
Straight — That's enough, you can pass! 

—THE EXD.— 

Note — This act can he opened or closed tcith a song, if desired. 
When it is jjJaj/ed rapid fire, as it should he, it icill run ahont 
ticelve minutes. 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



DEC 21 Bi^ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




016 103 832 5 



